Treading water

I’m on my lunch break. I only just started the work day 2 hours ago and I’m already drowning. I had yesterday off to do my name change stuff because I have to work Saturday. I’ve got 5 big projects on my plate at work and I’m not able to juggle them all. On top of that, I have to answer calls coming into the phone queue, assign tickets that come in to my team members, send out emails to new providers, and pick up where my teammates can’t keep up. After a conversation with my boss, she helped make things slightly easier, but then last minute Friday some new big things came in. And my backup is currently training new employees so she’s not available to help.

I realize after the new employees are trained (so, within about a month) things will get a little easier for me. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this month. And my boss is having health issues so she’s on medical leave so I can’t bother her to ask for her help. I’m just going to have to tread water as the waves keep coming. All I can do is all I can do. Just hang in there, Quix.

I haven’t heard back about that promotion on the other team I applied for. It’s been a week and I applied on the last day of the deadline. I would think HR would have taken a look at the applications and started making phone calls for interviews, so I’m going to take this as they decided not to interview me for the role. I about half expected that. Of course, you never know. But it does seem appealing to be doing something totally different than what I’m doing now, but you never know it could be worse. Anyway, fantasizing about doing something else I think will help me a little bit.

I really dislike my job right now. But I like my boss and coworkers. If I didn’t, I’d loathe my job. Like I said, I just gotta hang in there. Things will improve. My boss even said to me, “It’ll be a rough couple of weeks, just hang in there.”

Yesterday I changed my name on my driver’s license. I applied and got a REAL ID. Well, I got a temporary ID. I had to re-sign my name because I signed it in my married name. This means I had to retake my picture and the second picture was AWFUL. I have to go around with that awful picture for many years to come. Oh well, that’s the way it goes sometimes.

Yesterday I had a late start in the day. I was feeling anxious and depressed and dragging my heels on going to the DMV. I ran out of one of my meds a few days ago and the pharmacy didn’t have it in so they had to preorder it, then there was an additional delay in getting the meds because they were closed on weekends, so I wasn’t able to take it til last night. And without these pills, I get depressed and unmotivated.

I was supposed to go to the title/registration place after the DMV but I had such a crisis about my name change that all I could do was drive around and cry. I thought, “I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s like the last 17 years never happened. Do I really want to be that person I was before? It’s not fair, that isn’t me.” And wondered why I’d want to change my name from my kids’ name and wondered how my family did not feel rejected by this decision.

I kept saying before I got divorced that my maiden/birth name was “me” and on the day of my divorce when I went to the social security office I did feel changing my name back to my birth/maiden name was the right decision. But now I find that it really does feel like getting a whole new identity. That is, almost everyone in my life knows me a certain way and having to change that is very unsettling.

Also, my name is on so many things that it’s going to be a lengthy and arduous process to change it all. I simply don’t have the motivation. Though it has been more than a month now since it’s been changed on my social security number so I really only have a couple more weeks to get all this changed.

I was feeling so depressed yesterday I didn’t even have the heart to go to the library book sale as a reward for going to the DMV. Now that’s saying something!

In addition, I had to pick up the kids even though it was not my week because their dad isn’t doing well health-wise. I sat in on the conversation with his parents and ultimately decided that I can have a say in what to do with the kids, but my ex is no longer my responsibility. So I let the three of them decide what would be best for him. Of course, my daughter is very concerned for her dad and this causes her anxiety.

And while it’s not weighing on me HEAVILY it is weighing on me.

Another couple of days back on that one medication and things are going to look a little easier. I’m honestly doing the best I can. If I push any more I’ll burn myself out and stop being able to function, so I’m trying not to judge myself too harshly.

I’ve got to go eat my lunch now. I’m usually not hungry in the day til 2pm, but because I got into work later I got the last pick of lunch hour. That’s another thing, I wish my schedule were more stable. I never know what it’s going to be.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.