The last few days I’ve posted about the last few months before I deconverted. In looking back, I can pinpoint when I stopped believing in the tenants of Christianity but I couldn’t figure out when I stopped believing there was a god, but now I’ve found it. This was written on May 27, 2015, on my previous blog, quixotic faith.
I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I was done with Christianity. I was rejecting Christianity as it is presented in the western world. But was I rejecting it all together? Perhaps not then, but now? It appears that …yes, I am.
The hypocrisy of Christians was the catalyst for my doubts which began many years ago, although of course, I loved my brothers and sisters in Christ and regularly forgave them. It’s not hard to do when you realize that everyone is a hypocrite.
Do I blame Christians for my unbelief? No, absolutely not. But I do blame them for encouraging my shame which has kept me mentally ill. I am now viewing everything through a different lens. Without the shame, nothing about Christianity makes sense to me anymore. I am just being honest here.
Exploring my doubts…I realize I’ve been doing that for the past 6 years. The change is that now I do not believe. I know I need to figure out exactly what that means and I’ve been a bit anxious about it and very impatient with myself. The only thing I know for certain is that my suppositions that came from a place of shame and inferiority need to be re-examined. But my unbelief? I don’t believe it’s a choice. Nope, not at all. Like I said, it was like a switch was flipped.
I was afraid at the time of saying I no longer believed in God. It was terrifying to me. Everything felt like it was falling apart. I felt vulnerable and I was afraid of everything surrounding it: my relationships changing, my identity, my support, my direction. It was torture.
Now I’m not afraid. Because I was afraid of acknowledging to myself my unbelief, I don’t have a record of the exact day I went from no longer believing in Christianity to no longer believing in a god.
So I’m dubbing the date of the above post, May 27, 2015, as the day I became an agnostic atheist. It would take me a long time to adopt the label, and I experienced many months before I could make peace with my unbelief and being okay with uncertainty about my purpose or place in the world, but somewhere around that time is when it happened.
Quixie's Mind Palace 