The last few days I’ve posted about the last few months before I deconverted. In looking back, I can pinpoint when I stopped believing in the tenants of Christianity but I couldn’t figure out when I stopped believing there was a god, but now I’ve found it. This was written on May 27, 2015, on my previous blog, quixotic faith.
I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I was done with Christianity. I was rejecting Christianity as it is presented in the western world. But was I rejecting it all together? Perhaps not then, but now? It appears that …yes, I am.
The hypocrisy of Christians was the catalyst for my doubts which began many years ago, although of course, I loved my brothers and sisters in Christ and regularly forgave them. It’s not hard to do when you realize that everyone is a hypocrite.
Do I blame Christians for my unbelief? No, absolutely not. But I do blame them for encouraging my shame which has kept me mentally ill. I am now viewing everything through a different lens. Without the shame, nothing about Christianity makes sense to me anymore. I am just being honest here.
Exploring my doubts…I realize I’ve been doing that for the past 6 years. The change is that now I do not believe. I know I need to figure out exactly what that means and I’ve been a bit anxious about it and very impatient with myself. The only thing I know for certain is that my suppositions that came from a place of shame and inferiority need to be re-examined. But my unbelief? I don’t believe it’s a choice. Nope, not at all. Like I said, it was like a switch was flipped.
I was afraid at the time of saying I no longer believed in God. It was terrifying to me. Everything felt like it was falling apart. I felt vulnerable and I was afraid of everything surrounding it: my relationships changing, my identity, my support, my direction. It was torture.
Now I’m not afraid. Because I was afraid of acknowledging to myself my unbelief, I don’t have a record of the exact day I went from no longer believing in Christianity to no longer believing in a god.
So I’m dubbing the date of the above post, May 27, 2015, as the day I became an agnostic atheist. It would take me a long time to adopt the label, and I experienced many months before I could make peace with my unbelief and being okay with uncertainty about my purpose or place in the world, but somewhere around that time is when it happened.