Day 237: Well, I’ve gone and done it again

Okay, folks, you all are going to think I’m cuurazy. Or stupid. Or selfish. Or unstable. And all those things may be right.

I’ve gone and done it again: I quit my job.

WHAT, Quix? The hospital job with benefits??? Yes. Do I have a justification? Nothing more than I’ve already shared. You know the reasons, but I will end up sharing them again in this post later.

I called out the last 4 days and a couple of weeks ago I called out for a week. I just couldn’t make myself get out of bed to go to work. I’ve only got mild depression so I can’t blame it on that.

I’ve hated my job since Day 1 and I know, I know, I needed to wait until I got another job before I quit. And I know, I know, I will regret this.

But I did it anyway.

I’ve got $22k at my immediate disposal and another $30k that I can possibly access from the stocks and I’m willing to take the risk that I can get another job with benefits before it runs out. Yes, I made sure with HR before I quit that I’ll get COBRA insurance because my family needs health insurance.

I sent an email. I didn’t give notice. How unprofessional. This’ll likely make a lot of people upset with me, disappointed, critical of me. I’m being foolish. I’m being unwise.

What tipped me over the edge is I was enrolled in an aggressive Weight Loss Program that was supposed to start today after work. Smart thing to do would be to just get out of the program and continue the job. But just couldn’t do that.

Just couldn’t.

Won’t this sink me into a deep depression? Doesn’t joblessness always do that to me? What the hell am I thinking?

I’ve got a plan. I just hope it works before it’s too late.

I’m worried about what my mom will say. I’m 41 for Chrissake. She’s not living my life. I’m worried what my new friends will say, “At least you have a job so it’s easier to find a job” one of my friends had told me. I’m afraid my new friends will think I’m crazy or lazy and drop me. I’m afraid my Mom will call me selfish. I’m afraid I won’t find another job before my $ runs out. I’m afraid people will look down on me for repeating my same old patterns.

Enough.

Despite my fears/worries I quit anyway. After 3 months of weighing my options.

Why not give any notice? I couldn’t will myself to go back to work after missing so many days. I couldn’t will myself to have to explain to the 40 therapists as I worked with them why I’m leaving. Even though it’s none of their business. The questions. The gossip. At least they’ll gossip without my noticing it.

I closed a door. I keep closing doors.

I keep doing this. I keep finding myself in this situation. The job didn’t pay enough anyway. It’ll be harder to find a job now, however I have gotten a lot of interviews the last couple months and now I don’t have to worry about missing work to go to them!

This is the least nervous I’ve ever felt about quitting. I guess because I told them 2 months ago I was unhappy and wanted to transfer, but HR dug their heels in and it wasn’t looking like I’d be able to transfer for a minimum of 8 months and every day was excrutiating. Not every moment, per se, but every day.

As far as what made it excrutiating to me is hard to say. Was it being on-call during my shift? Running around fetching this and that? trying to read the therapists’ minds so I can assist with the therapy? being worried about potentially killing or doing series harm to a patient? being around highly infectious patients with horrific diseases? constantly being mistaken for a nurse and being expected to help when I can’t? Cleaning up soiled patients nearly every day?

I’ve been having anxiety-riddled dreams for months, especially this last month. There are a lot of dreams about active shooters. Incidentally, a few days ago I actually was across the street from an active shooter. A guy killed his family in the parking lot of a grocery store (that I was going to go to but had changed my mind) and then shot himself. I didn’t witness it, but had I left the library book sale a few minutes earlier I would have.

But the hospital puts me on edge to that level. There was a fire drill that freaked me out a couple weeks ago and there have been several security alerts. And, of course, Covid. We can’t forget that monster.

But I didn’t live in a constant state of anxiety. There were hours every day where I did nothing and I was expected to look busy. I tried to shift my hours so I was there when I was most needed and they said no. And I did everything that I could do and asked for more and I was told I’m just on call for whenever the therapists need me. But I wasn’t supposed to be reading my book or on my phone because then someone might think I’m not available. So I’d find corners of the hospital to hang out in while I waited for a call.

I just sent the email. So I don’t know the backlash. Hopefully, it’ll be lame. Hopefully, I won’t beat myself up about this too much.

It’s like, I tried to do right by telling them a couple months ago I wanted to transfer. And then I started missing progressively more and more days of work and lying about my reasons why I was out. I hate lying. I want to be truthful. Why the hell can’t I find myself living authentically? I’m finding I’m always hiding or lying. I’m still in survival mode.

Anyway, I’ve had several jobs in the last few years. And right now is my time to be independent. I’m divorcing in 4 months for Chrissake, why would I make this more complicated? I made sure to run this by my soon-to-be ex because our finances are still tied and he said he didn’t like it but he understood. He understood.

I asked my last employer if I could have my job back. They were very enthusiastic to hire me back, but said no because they filled the position, but they would call me if they were able to open any positions. They are hoping to open satellite offices. It was a great conversation, but it didn’t pan out for an immediate job. And of course, the pay is low with no benefits, but it would have been a temporary measure til I found something better.

Thursday I have appts with my therapist and psychiatrist. I’m also going to book an appointment with my vocational rehab counselor.

I will not act ashamed. I will not be ashamed. I will hold my head up high. I made a decision and now I just have to live with the consequences.

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.