Almost 200 days in my apartment!
I’m currently at work trying to look busy, as usual. There are several hours during the day when I do nothing, though also several hours where I am hella-busy. Right now is the downtime.
I’m really tired. I hung out with some friends last night and did Christmas crafts. It was a lot of fun but the wine kept me up. This morning I racked by brain for every excuse to call out or come in late to work but I realized I might have to have an excuse later for an interview and so I resisted the very very strong urge.
Speaking of interviews, I have one tomorrow at 8 am. It’s at a physical therapy outpatient clinic for women. So, similar work but not with acute care patients. I’m worried now that the pay may be lower, and I should have asked that on the phone so as to not waste my time. My work is very strict about terminating employment if you rack up enough attendance points, and I’m half way there from calling out on 3 occasions already so I have to be careful. I’m likely going to be late coming in tomorrow because the interview is at 8, it’s across town and I have to change out of interview clothes into scrubs somehow.
I’m skipping the Humanist holiday celebration tonight even though I paid for a reservation. I’m way too tired and stressed. I don’t know why they have it on a weekday night anyway. It’s likely cheaper, but who wants to go to a party when they have to work the next day? I guess most of the guest list is retired.
I think I’m also hesitant to go to the Humanist group also because last time I was invited to a church. I was already feeling out of touch with the retired rich folks but the whole church thing really frazzled me.
Overall, I’m feeling frazzled right now. I don’t want to go to the interview tomorrow. It’s because I feel ashamed over leaving my job so soon; I feel like a bad person for not wanting to do this job; I’m worried it won’t pay enough or I’ll accept the job and then hate it; I’m worried about being late, and the thought of starting a new job stresses me out. Would it be a relief to not do what I’m doing now? I guess it depends what the alternative is.
I’m really irritated about work still processing my early transfer request. It’s only been 2 weeks and 2 days, but still — that’s 2 weeks and 2 days, which feels like an extremely long time. If I were quitting the job I’d be gone by now because my 2 weeks would be up. So, I’m just waiting, with my boss and my two main coworkers knowing that I’m unhappy and want to switch departments. I wasn’t going to apply outside that hospital and just wait for the transfer but I got impatient.
I can’t get over how shitty I feel job hopping. Any job I get is not going to help me in the long run unless I make significantly more $ because eventually the stock money is going to run out. Also, I said I wasn’t going to ask alimony from my husband when we divorce but I wonder if I’ll need to. At this point about 80% of my income goes to rent, so that’s obviously not sustainable.
Honestly, and I now I’m whiny, but I feel like the universe dislikes me and wants me to feel like shit. Which is an entirely irrational thought, of course, but that’s how I feel.
I feel like when the people interview me tomorrow they are going to realize their mistake and then ghost me like the other two employers who interviewed me a month ago actually said they wouldn’t do. What a crock of shit.
I’m trying to stay positive but I’m failing. Life, give me a win!