3 weeks til my divorce hearing: my health

21 days, baby!

I’m still experiencing shame about my weight (as I’ve previously mentioned I’ve gotten quite big over the past few years), but I’m combatting this shame by taking selfies or allowing others to take pictures of me in social situations. The thing is, while I may find my body hideous, other people just see this as [Quixie]. And, truth be told, this is the body I have and all I can do is try to take care of it from now on.

And I’ve been doing a pretty great job, in terms of what I’m consuming (this reminds me, I need to take a break to drink water). I’m eating much less and much healthier foods and I’m starting to feel a bit better physically. Though it is hard for me to bend over to put my skates on. My tummy gets in the way and I get out of breath. I am dealing with my skating issues with skates not fitting and ankles hurting from skating again, but I really want to get back into skating.

What I really need is to drop 40 lbs and I’ll be able to move better again and things won’t feel as hard. I’ll still need to lose weight after that, but I think I’ll be able to exercise the way I want at that weight. I’m heavy, but not as heavy as some and they still manage to do it. Somehow.

Anyway, at least I’m really liking my hair now. And I’ve got clothes that fit.

I found out from the labs that I am pre-diabetic. I was pre-diabetic before in my early 20s when I did fasting/binging cycles. I’d feel really weak and dizzy a lot. I was barely eating. But then I developed a healthier relationship with food, and I stopped being pre-diabetic until just now, so I’d been fine for 20 years.

My diet hadn’t been the healthiest until this last week, but the only major change I’ve had in the last couple of years is adding the Rexulti (treatment for depression), which is known to increase blood sugar. I’m supposed to see the weight loss doctor on Thursday and they are going to put me on Metformin, which should help my blood sugar. But also so will obviously eating more insulin-stabilizing meals, and not overeating; by exercising, and losing weight.

The nurse told me I’m not in peri-menopause and my symptoms were a result of some insulin resistance. My mom started peri-menopause at my age so I thought that is what it was. What about the night sweats and the naps at 6pm and the fat around my abdomen? All insulin resistance, she says. What about the increased body hair and lack of libido? She thinks I might have PCOS (I see GYN next month).

Well, okay, then. Time to change my lifestyle. Fortunately, on Thursday the doctor is going to tell me how to do that. He specializes in obesity and has great success helping those who are overweight or have hormone issues. So I’m confident he’ll be able to help me.

Also, subject change – I got contacted by someone at Reedsy.com who reads this blog and wants me to do book reviews (shout out to you if you are reading this!) I’m thinking about it. I’ll have to ask her some more questions after I catch up on some sleep (I’ve been working four 11-hour shifts so I can have a day off during the week).

Speaking of sleep, gotta go. I gotta work tomorrow, really early. TTFN!

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About Quixie

Hi! I go by "Quixie." Quixie is a shortened version of "quixotic," which means: "exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical." It's how I described my evangelical Christian faith when I started blogging 7 years ago. Now I'm an agnostic atheist who is trying to find a balance between idealism and reality. I write about my mental health journey with bipolar disorder, my loss of faith (deconversion), parenting teens, reading, exercise/health, work-life, and my marriage separation/divorce.